Single on Purpose

A good friend of mine once said, “being single is the one time in our lives where we get to be selfish with ourselves and with God.”

Usually, the word “selfish” has a bad connotation, but in this case, I think it paints a good picture for us of what our season of singleness should be like. I’ll dig more into this as we go along.

It was summertime and I was laying out on the patio in my parent’s backyard trying to get a tan. Because you know, what else would I be doing?

My fiance and I had been having a lot of arguments lately and it seemed like things weren’t going to get any better. 

But I had made a commitment to him and I felt that, although times were tough, I would stick to it and work things out.

Then, like it was just yesterday, I remember when he pulled into the driveway that day, walked over to me, and said, “I think we should call off the wedding.”

There was no warning, no hinting, no “let’s try to work it out.”

Only, “call it off.” 

That day was the beginning of a season of uncertainty in my life.

All of a sudden I was aware that I was uncertain of who I was, what my purpose was, and if there was any hope for me in relationships.

Thankfully, God is so loving a kind that he used those few years to show me some things about myself and about relationships that made me certain of who I’m created to be and how I’m created to live.

A lot of us think that a waiting season is a wasted season, but it’s really just the opposite.

It’s an opportunity for us to grow, to learn, and to cultivate the things that God has given us.

Before we rush into a relationship, it’s important for us to think about whether or not we are at a point in our lives where we know who we are and what our purpose is.

You can’t have a healthy relationship unless you have a healthy you.

Well, how do I get healthy Leah?

How do I figure out what my purpose is?

The only real answer I can give you is a healthy you starts with a relationship with Jesus.

He will show you who you are and who you’re created to be when you spend time with him.

It wasn’t until I figured out who God created me to be that I really felt like I could love people. 

Before, I was seeking someone else’s validation. I would do anything and everything to make that person love me. Even compromise my own beliefs.

The crazy thing was, I was already loved...by Jesus and I didn’t have to do anything to get that love.

I was searching for something I already had.

I spent too much of my time just looking for someone to pay attention to me, when in reality Jesus was saying to me, “I’ve been here all along. Why are you looking for validation from someone else when I’ve already given you everything you need to be who I’ve created you to be?”

If you don’t know who you are - that you’re a son or daughter of the Living King - then whenever you walk into an earthly relationship, you’ll automatically start trying to make that person fill a void that they were never meant to fill.

Only God can fill the void in your heart that makes you think you’re not enough.

True confidence comes from the Holy Spirit. Once you’re confident in who He is and who He’s created you to be, then you’ll be confident in what you want in a girl/guy.

And when someone comes along who doesn’t meet your standards, you can be confident in letting them go.

I’m not going to lie when my ex-fiance and I broke up that day that he came over and said we should call off the wedding, that wasn’t the only time we had broken up.

There were many others.

But looking back, I see now that the reason I kept going back to him was that he was where I was getting all of my validation from. If I wasn’t with him, then I felt worthless.

Finally, after deepening my relationship with God and becoming confident in who I was, I ended things for good because I knew that he wasn’t going to be able to meet the standards that I had set for myself and ultimately the standards God had given me.

You are created for so much more than a broken relationship that holds you back from your full potential. I know it’s scary to move on, but it’s the most rewarding thing I’ve ever done.

I want to take a quick look at a verse from the Bible that will help explain my next point.

It’s from Ephesians chapter five and it says,

 “For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord.  For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church.  As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything. For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her.”

Two quick points I want to make here.

The first is for the fellas. This verse talks about how wives are supposed to submit to their husbands. A lot of times, when guys read this it makes them puff up their chest a little bit in pride and think “yeah, submit to me.”

But what a lot of guys want is the submission without the responsibility that comes with it. They want women to treat them with respect, but they don’t act in a way that deserves respect.

Think about that the next time you want to start looking for a relationship.

Are you conducting yourself in a mature way that deserves to be submitted to?

Are you acting as if the next girl you hook up with is just another body to benefit from or are you going to treat her with the love, kindness, and respect she deserves?

Ladies, we actually have the easy part in this verse because all we have to do is submit to our husbands, but our husbands have to give up their lives for us.

But I want you to think about whether or not you’re a girl worth dying for.

You know that song from Mulan, “A Girl Worth Fighting For?”

Yeah, it’s kind of like that.

Are you loving, trustworthy, forgiving, loyal, supportive? Do you communicate well?

If not, then those are some things you might want to take some time to work on before you jump into a relationship.

My last point is probably the most important one if you’ve ever been in a relationship before.

I spent three months in Hawaii doing a missionary training program and during that time is when I learned a lot of this stuff and what I needed to work on.

One of the biggest things I found was that I was still holding on to a lot of harsh feelings and resentment from my previous relationship.

It caused me so much hurt and pain that I really didn’t even want to talk about it, but one day we were learning about forgiveness and I felt so moved by the Holy Spirit that I had to do something.

I knew that it would be toxic for me to actually contact this person, so I did the next best thing.

I sat down with my notebook and my pen and I wrote.

I wrote about all the hurt feelings I had. 

I wrote about all the ways that I felt this person had made my life miserable.

I wrote about all the stupid things I did.

And then after I got all of that off my chest, I wrote three simple words, “I forgive you.”

As I closed my notebook, it was like an enormous weight was lifted from my shoulders and I could finally breathe again.

Friends, it’s time to break up with your past.

No matter what has happened to you, whether you’ve gone through a toxic relationship, been abused or just felt left out, it’s time to break up with those feelings, those emotions and give them completely over to Jesus.

It’s time to forgive and move on.

Whatever you’ve experienced in your life is a huge part of your story, but it doesn’t have to consume your story. 

You can move on and you can walk in the joy and fullness of the Lord.

I’m not saying I’m perfect at this. I still struggle with those thoughts and feelings sometimes.

My husband, Andrew, knows my story.

I told him everything on our second date. I had to know if that boy was committed, you know what I’m saying?

He knows the pain I’ve experienced and he knows that sometimes certain things trigger bad memories, but it’s important to note that he never allows me to stay in that place for too long.

He’s gentle enough to let me have a moment of grief, but then he reminds me that’s not who I am anymore.

I hope you find someone who can do the same for you and not make you feel any less about yourself when you do have those moments.

Lastly, it’s time to get rid of the fairytale mindset.

Life is not a Disney movie.

There will be fights, there will be bad days, there will be times when you feel like giving up.

But the important thing to know is that relationships are not a destination to be reached, but a journey to learn through.

If you’re single and reading this, I hope this has encouraged your heart and given you some things to think about.

If you’re in a relationship and reading this, maybe you’ve realized that you may need to break up with the person you’re dating because you have to figure out who you are and what your purpose is.

Whatever your situation is, I pray that God begins to reveal things to you in a way that draws you closer and closer in your relationship with Him.