Dating Q & A Part 1

Disclaimer: All answers to these questions are based on personal experiences and biblical truths. I am in no way a relationship expert, however, I have found a lot of the answers I’m giving to be true in real life situations.

Okay y'all! Here we are on the second week of this relationships series and this week we’re tackling the topic of dating.

There were a lot of different directions I could have taken this one, but I decided to leave it up to you all and we’re going to do a little Q&A style today.

All of the questions I’ll be answering were asked by some of my followers on Instagram and I’m so excited to share some insight with you.

The answers are a lot more in depth than I thought they were going to be, so I’ll actually be breaking this up into two separate weeks.

I’ll answer half of the questions this week and then we’ll finish up next week. 

So let’s jump right into part one!

Q: How do you know you found “the one”?

A:  Let me preface this by saying I don’t believe there is such a thing as “the one”. If there were, then it would be VERY difficult for us to find the exact person we are supposed to end up with. I mean there are 7.8 billion people in the world. It would be pretty exhausting to have to meet billions of people in hopes to find “the one”.

Another reason I don’t believe in “the one” is because life is so unpredictable. Right now I’m married to an amazing guy, but who knows, one day he may die leaving me a widower. (I really hope this doesn’t happen any time soon, but it could.) 

If there was such a thing as “the one”, then he’s my only chance for being in a relationship and if he passes away then I’ll have to be single for the rest of my life. Again, being single is not a bad thing, but if God has given me the opportunity to be in a relationship then I’ll want to be obedient.

My husband and I have chatted about if this scenario were to ever happen and we both agree that if one of us dies prematurely, that we would want the other person to marry again. Meaning that neither of us are the only one for the other.

So, no, I don’t believe there is one person out there for you.

I do, however, believe that there are some key things you should look for when you’re trying to figure out if you’ve found a keeper.

There are a lot of good guys/girls out there, but if you read my last blog on singleness you know that when we know who we are, we have the right to be picky about who we end up dating.

One of the most important things I believe you should look for in a significant other is whether or not they have similar life goals as you.

A lot of people just look for surface similarities, like what foods you like to eat or what activities you like to do. And while those things are nice to have in common, the more important thing to look for is whether or not you both are on similar life paths.

For example, in a previous relationship, my boyfriend and I rarely talked about the future. It was always what can we do this weekend or how can we make this night special? That should have been a huge red flag to me because we never engaged in conversation about what our future would look like. Now a lot of people will read this and think, “Leah, I’m not trying to get married on the first date.”

And I’m not saying that you have to, but I am saying that when you’re making a big decision like who to date, you want to be sure that you’re completely clear on what YOUR life goals are. That way if the person is intimidated by them or not ready to be with someone who has a clear vision, then you know that this person does not meet your standards.

When my husband and I went on our second date, we told each other our life stories. Our past failures and mistakes and how God used those things to bring us back to relationship with Him.

We also told each other what we see ourselves doing with our lives and one thing was absolutely clear.

We both love Jesus and want to live our lives to serve Him - no matter where He calls us.

If you ask my husband, he’ll say that that was the moment he knew that this was a relationship God wanted us to pursue wholeheartedly. 

It’s not about finding “the one”. It’s about finding someone who will run alongside you in your pursuit to follow Jesus.

Q: How do you recommend waiting well in singleness?

A: I’ll start off by saying that waiting is not fun. It’s one of the most frustrating parts about being single and some days it feels like you’ll be single forever.

There are certain people that God has ordained for singleness, but for the most part I think we’re all created to be in relationship, so know that God wants that for you.

Two things I would remember in your season of singleness.

One is that whenever you start to feel downhearted about your marital status, remember that God has orchestrated every single part of your life according to his perfect plan.

If He has you single right now it’s because he has a reason. 

Maybe it’s because he knows you’re a fully committed person and right now he wants you to be fully committed to a ministry he has you in and he knows that when you get into a relationship you’ll have to use some of your time to build and nourish that relationship as opposed to spending all of your time in that ministry.

Maybe it’s because he wants to teach you some things about your character before you get involved with someone. Your flaws get amplified whenever you step into a relationship, so maybe right now he’s giving you the opportunity to work on your jealousy problem or your anger issues.

I know it’s difficult to look at it this way, but your singleness is a blessing in disguise.

He will never let you get involved in something you’re not ready for. His timing is always perfect.

The second thing I want you to remember is that it’s important to stay content in this season.

When you see relationships all over the place it’s hard to stay content with the way your life is going. Especially if a lot of your friends are in relationships. We automatically start thinking, “I wish I had that.” 

I read something the other day that had more to do with parenting than relationships, but I think it applies to both. The author said something about how she was so concerned with her children’s future - their grades, what college they would go to, who they would marry, what kind of jobs they would get, what kind of friendships they would have - that she realized she was missing out on all of the little every day moments in their lives.

Instead of being content with what was going on right now, she was so caught up in the what if’s of the future that she missed being present with her kids.

I pray that in your season of singleness you would be content right where God has you. That you wouldn’t miss out on the little things right in front of you that He is showing you every day.

Q: How do you know when to give up on the relationship?

A: This question is really one that you have to look at on a case-by-case basis. There could be reasons that I list here that you don’t deal with personally, but if you are dealing with something that you think is cause to end the relationship I advise talking it over with a close friend or someone you trust - someone that will be completely honest with you and support you in your decision if you decide it’s time to move on.

There are two big reasons that I wholeheartedly believe are good reasons to end a relationship.

The first is if the person you are with is emotionally, physically or mentally abusive you need to get out of that relationship as soon as possible. I know that’s easier said than done. I know there are a lot of manipulative people out there who will try to use your relationship as something to make you stay around. They might say things like, “You can’t leave me. I don’t know what I’ll do.”

Ultimately, those types of people are toxic and they are doing a lot more damage to you than you realize.

You need to do what’s best for you and move on. 

If it’s something serious like they’re threatening to hurt you or themselves if you leave them, then contact someone to be present with you when you end things.

The second reason I would end a relationship has a lot to do with the first question that was asked. If you notice that the person you are in a relationship with has a totally different vision for their life than yours, then that is good enough reason to end things. You don’t want to end up compromising your life plans just because the person you’re dating wants to do something different.

If they want you to compromise your beliefs, your vision or your values, then you have the right to end the relationship right then and there. You want to be with a person who can join you in those things.

Q: What are your thoughts on physical boundaries?

A: I know it’s very difficult to refrain from having sex when you feel love towards the person you’re in a relationship with, however, the Bible makes it very clear that this is something that should be saved for marriage only. (1 Corinthians 7)

I know that’s a lot easier said than done. Trust me. I lost my virginity when I was eighteen and I wish that I had grown up knowing how important it is to wait.

I’ll talk more about the topic of sex on a future blog in this series, but in regards to boundaries I fully believe that it’s something you need to make clear at the beginning of the relationship.

Have a conversation with your significant other about how far you want to go and what you don’t want to do.

If they respect that and you can be on the same page, then you know you have a keeper. If they want you to compromise your beliefs, then you may want to consider ending the relationship. It’s a lot harder to stay true to your values when only one of you is committed to them.

When my husband and I started dating we made sure that we were on the same page regarding physical touch. It was a lot harder for me to stay true to the guidelines we set because I have a history with sexual relations, but it was good that I was with someone who has a strong integrity because he kept me accountable. 

Whenever we hung out, we made sure that we weren’t alone in rooms for long periods of time and we tried to make sure our date nights were out in public places.

It definitely wasn’t easy at times, especially as we got closer to our wedding day, but we made a plan and we stuck to it. 

Physical boundaries aren’t meant to hinder your relationship, they’re meant to build the integrity and character of your relationship. If done successfully, they build trust between you and your significant other in more ways than anything else could. 

One other thing I want to add to this as just a little side note:

Make sure you’re looking for someone who has good integrity - someone who is completely honest and trustworthy.

When I was in a previous relationship, I felt like I CONSTANTLY had to check and see where my boyfriend was or who he was with. I know that sounds a little crazy, but it was because he had done things while we were together that made me question whether or not he was being real with me.

I knew he was probably cheating on me or talking to other girls, so it made me crazy.

With my husband, I’ve never ever had that feeling. He has such an incredible integrity that I feel completely safe and seen with him. I never have to wonder or question. I never have to doubt.

Those are the kind of people you want to be looking for.

That’s all we have time for today, I hope you enjoyed this little Q&A and it helped answer some questions you have.

Next week we’ll dig into part two of the questions. Topics covered will include: handling temptations, conflict and family issues, as well as answering the popular question of “how long should we date before getting engaged?” 

Let me know your thoughts on the questions we covered this week. I’d love to hear your feedback! 

Until next week!